Life is what you make it. How often do we hear that and keep on making excuses for our behavior? I am definitely not the one to judge anyone for how they live their life because we all fall short. What I do want to touch on is behaviors and patterns that are destroying us instead of bettering us. It is borderline psychotic to not want to do something different for the sake of finding out our strengths that were there all along.
I have a knack for being a good listener. I love to analyze things on the outside looking in. While doing so I can not help but to be surprised at the lack of confidence that people have when faced with adversity. I personally love adversity because it points out the fact that I am alive. I don’t like rainstorms back to back but I will deal with them as they come. I wish that I could erase the pain away for some of the people that I know. I believe in my friends. I believe that they can do whatever it is that they desire. Sometimes, I don’t feel like my friends believe that for themselves.
I would love to say yes because there is no good reason why I should have stopped writing. I have had so much going on that was definitely noteworthy for me to write about. The past few months have been somewhat like a rollercoaster and I have been forced to sit in the front row and deal with it. In the meantime, while going through these changes I lost my voice to write. There is nothing worse than having things to get off your chest and denying yourself the liberty to do so. I am slowly recovering from this deadly form of loss of creativity. I have had plenty of time to collect my thoughts and get to the root of the problem.
The problem is that I suffer from wanting people to get but so close to me. My deepest darkest desires and feelings I struggle to share out of fear of judgement or misinterpretation. By being naturally private and contained my creativity suffers and as a result I internally suffer. I suffer because I am no longer connecting to people and am like a molotov cocktail waiting to combust at any moment. I have come to the conclusion that I must write and express myself by any means necessary. It is time to get over myself once and for all.
P.S. Special thanks to my readers that always ask about my writings. I appreciate the encouragement and feedback.
It was very hard for me to share with anyone that I was extremely lonely a few months back. I felt like there was no way I could be consumed with such heavy feelings being as though I always had someone around. That is the irony in it all. It doesn’t matter if you are surrounded by people because loneliness has no boundaries.
While in my state of loneliness I realized that the family that I thought I was close to did not know the ‘adult’ me at all. I didn’t feel supported nor did I receive a monthly phone call or email. No one knows except the people who I had to choose as my family, what I go through in my daily life.
I wish that I could tell them how disappointed I am at the lack of support. I feel like because I am different and am not limited to a conventional 9-to-5 or government job that I am not favored in their eyes. I don’t understand how I have not received a visit from anyone, not even for a day. It is not like I live in Zimbabwe or Beirut. I will not get it and I probably never will. I don’t feel like I am asking for much. Thank God for my friends that have come to visit me and see how I now live.
When I moved I left behind a life that I will never go back to. I am much stronger now than I have ever been. It took months of feeling alone and uncertain of my future. As I look back I am thankful that I finally know the truth. That truth is that just because you are born into a large family does not mean that you will have their unconditional love, devotion, and support.
It is amazing how I keep getting asked about my blog….or lack thereof. Trust, I am extremely honored for all that keep up with me and encourage me to ‘just write’. I have a hard time balancing my need for privacy and my need to open up to others. I do realize that the only way to truly live is to give of yourself.
I don’t know where to begin. Life has been unpredictable as usual but in a good way. I trust God fully and I know that through him all things are possible. I am extremely grateful for the little things that go disregarded most of the time. Seasons change and I am changing with the seasons.
For the record, I’m in charge of my life and thoughts. I am so tired of people meddling in my affairs. Your opinion and insight are unwarranted at this point. I’m flattered that you think so much of me to keep trying to impose your will upon me. Your relentlessness is borderline obsession. UNHEALTHY. I truly hope that you find someone who can love you on your level. I know that I am not that person.