It was very hard for me to share with anyone that I was extremely lonely a few months back. I felt like there was no way I could be consumed with such heavy feelings being as though I always had someone around. That is the irony in it all. It doesn’t matter if you are surrounded by people because loneliness has no boundaries.
While in my state of loneliness I realized that the family that I thought I was close to did not know the ‘adult’ me at all. I didn’t feel supported nor did I receive a monthly phone call or email. No one knows except the people who I had to choose as my family, what I go through in my daily life.
I wish that I could tell them how disappointed I am at the lack of support. I feel like because I am different and am not limited to a conventional 9-to-5 or government job that I am not favored in their eyes. I don’t understand how I have not received a visit from anyone, not even for a day. It is not like I live in Zimbabwe or Beirut. I will not get it and I probably never will. I don’t feel like I am asking for much. Thank God for my friends that have come to visit me and see how I now live.
When I moved I left behind a life that I will never go back to. I am much stronger now than I have ever been. It took months of feeling alone and uncertain of my future. As I look back I am thankful that I finally know the truth. That truth is that just because you are born into a large family does not mean that you will have their unconditional love, devotion, and support.
It is amazing how I keep getting asked about my blog….or lack thereof. Trust, I am extremely honored for all that keep up with me and encourage me to ‘just write’. I have a hard time balancing my need for privacy and my need to open up to others. I do realize that the only way to truly live is to give of yourself.
I don’t know where to begin. Life has been unpredictable as usual but in a good way. I trust God fully and I know that through him all things are possible. I am extremely grateful for the little things that go disregarded most of the time. Seasons change and I am changing with the seasons.
For the record, I’m in charge of my life and thoughts. I am so tired of people meddling in my affairs. Your opinion and insight are unwarranted at this point. I’m flattered that you think so much of me to keep trying to impose your will upon me. Your relentlessness is borderline obsession. UNHEALTHY. I truly hope that you find someone who can love you on your level. I know that I am not that person.